BOOTS! (but not the good kind)

this morning on the way to school, morgan passed not eleven, but TWELVE cars in a row that all had these giant yellow spider-looking things consuming their driver-side tire. morgan thought this interesting, because while italians are prone to setting fashionable trends (even concerning their cars), it did not appear that these cars could move (much less dodge poorly dressed american pedestrians such as morgan)while harboring such decorative ornaments. elly confirmed that this was the case. it turns out, that italian parking enforcement does not just give a ticket, but also gives your car a freaking boot, such that they won't take it off until you pay the ticket. which sucks hardcore. reflecting on this, and the multiple parking tickets morgan has on her car (big red has YET to even be registered at pomona...) morgan only felt a twinge of sympathy for these poor cars before relief that her glorious country does no such thing, set in. and that she walked everywhere, for if she drove, she surly would've had the boot at least twice by now, considering she is not yet able to read italian street signs, and even if she did, would probably not be in the habit of following them. note to self: boots are pretty on my feet (very pretty, in fact), but not on my car.

this i miss part one.

things that i miss:
1) my comforter (slash having my bed against a wall)--this is important because now that i actually sleep, it would be nice to have a bed that was long enough slash i could comfortably pass out/curl up and read in.
2) guacamole --i am ALWAYS craving guacamole, but i don't think it actually exists here. it doesn't matter how delicious mama gianna's dinners are (which, can surly attest to, they are incredible--such that i often feel like i have eaten entire babies for dinner, and then subsequently must lay on my bed for a while to stretch out and hate my existence a little because i ACTUALLY HURT from eating so much...) i STILL ALWAYS CRAVE GUACAMOLE. no matter how ill i feel from eating unhealthy amounts of pesto lasagna (omg incredible) or pointedly menta gelato hits the spot...i would always, ALWAYS like some guacamole. i just want a few freaking avocados, okay? oh my godddddddd i miss mexican food sooooo much. note to self: next time you must fend for yourself (i.e. weekend) make a mexican dinner. tortilla chips and guacamole included.
3) normal fucking gum--no one everyone smokes here....there is no decent gum to replace this unhealthy form of oral fixation. besides, none of the gum is wrapped in foil, meaning it is IMPOSSIBLE to make grillz.
4) sadie-kins--i miss the love of my life more than any other kind spirit in animal or human form.
5) sleepovers omg i love sleepovers, except the rules of the program state that you are not allowed to bring guests back to your host family's house (even though it is designed to prevent a certain type of guest, it encompasses all), so even crashing at elly's or sarah b's is pretty much out of the question, so i just have to walk home at 6am, which is fine, except i'm not always up for a gang bang (which is evidently what happens to girls who walk around alone that early in the morning).


i wish i would've brought a huge-ass comfy sweatshirt (like the seahawks one i stole from my dad) and FREAKING SKITTLES OH MY GOD I MISS SKITTLES SOOOOO MUCH (as well as oreos. double stuffed oreos....) i realize that the fact that i am complaining about all the food that i miss and wish i had when i am in ITALY (which unlike jess pool's meals, which are comprised of unicolored blobs of unidentifiable nuclear debirs, i have some of the best food in all of europe) is quite ironic. however, i truly look forward to the day that i am able to gorge myself on skittles, guacamole, and double-stuffed oreos.

a moment of truth....oh wait....

every morning from 8:45-10:45am, morgan is tossed into a small cage with a large lion and waits to be slowly consumed for two hours, her internal organ ripped out one by one. in reality, this small cage is actually her italian classroom, the large lion her actually-really-petite italian teacher, and her slowly diminishing organs her quickly diminishing dignity. for the first few days morgan wondered how she would get out of this one--she actually is a fairly decent converser, except when she feels intimidated and then she gets really nervous and any/all synapses that connect the english and italian-speaking parts of her brain instantly are fried. this was the unfortunate case until morgan discovered the cunning art of LYING. yes, morgan is now a pathological liar in her italian class, so that she can dig her way out of instances when she mixes up verbs and tells her teacher that she "worked the table" instead of cleaning it (morgan left the working of inanimate objects such as tables and poles for more intimate settings, okay?) why yes, i worked the table, BECAUSE I BUILT IT MYSELF, THANKS??? once started, morgan can't stop. at first it was unconscious, but when morgan needed 30 more words for her italian essay, that extra brother named anthony who lives in new york, really came in handy. morgan only realized what a problem it was becoming when she was desperate and slipped and told her teacher that her mom had cancer. as in currently, because morgan is pretty sure that she used the wrong tense on accident. well okay this sounds worse than it actually was (actually, i'm aware, okay?) okay so the premise is as follows: professoressa benedetta was grilling morgan on why she didn't have pets when she was little, and saying that morgan's parents didn't think that her, hunter, and hailey (well, obvi anthony, too) could take care of pets because they were irresponsible and couldn't even keep their rooms clean--that was too much trouble, not to mention required three different tenses including subjunctive. it was much easier to say "mia mamma era malatta". morgan thought this sufficient, after all, what kind of evil person would ask you to explain why your mother was sick? oh, benedetta, how convenient. she kept grilling morgan, so finally it just came out--"malatta, era cancro" (cancro=cancer). silence. very awkward silence. "mi dispiace" another awkward silence. now while morgan should feel bad, sacrificing marilyn's good health due to her inability to speak italian (and the fact that she realized the verb-tense mistake as soon as it happened, yet was too lazy to correct herself), she couldn't help but feel twice as relieved since benedetta didn't call on her again the ENTIRE class period. GREAT SUCCESS!!!! sorry marilyn, it's a good thing you don't have the link to my blog, otherwise you would know that NOT ONLY DO I SMOKE POT BUT THAT EVERYONE IN MY ITALIAN CLASS THINKS YOU HAVE CANCER!!!!!! oh man.

the moral of the story...

well then. a few more things i have noticed about this delightful city:

1) the lack of fucking pedestrian rights. this, my friends, is a problem. why, you may ask? think of my driving, worsen it a little (due to chain smoking, singing along poorly to american music, and dodging all the fucking mopeds), and then multiply that by 400,000. of course then you must also take out all the crosswalks, and then you are left with the current state of italian pedestrians. maybe not italian pedestrians, because you see they are small and agile and are used to dodging their ways around the various swerving cars, however lame american students such as myself, who is used to having her right-of-way pretty much even jaywalking, it is quite unfortunate. see, italians don't care if they hit a pedestrian, because the car has the right-of-way and italians are already obsessed with population control (nicely done, EU) so it fits in and all. but that just sucks for me because i have to walk to school every morning (crossing about 20 streets, awesome), constantly in fear of my life for 30 minutes (not to mention to then go on and be in fear of my life for another 2 hours during advanced italian class). will expand more later on this bitchass subject.

2) the lack of right-of-way for ambulances. in the united states, you hear an ambulance in the far-off distance, and even if you don't see it, you pull off to the right, so that ill/injured people may in hopes be quickly delivered in one piece to the nearest hospital where they may fixed up and then recover. in italian drivers ed, however, the exact opposite is taught: when you hear an ambulance siren, honk wildly at anyone who deviates from the natural flow of traffic (actually, honk more, since chances are, you are already honking an unnatural amount). so now you may ask what this may have to do with me? well when i am hit by a car and/or moped after failing to remember my lack of pedestrian right-of-way, means that i will probably die in the back of the ambulance that would supposedly be taking me to the hospital, while it tries to fight off the other cars for road space.

3) ookay do you have any idea how difficult it is to find weed in this country? so some random italian guy tells elly and i where to buy weed while he is hitting on us, so we go to santa croce where we attempt to 'find the moroccans', since they are evidently the ones that sell it. and we debate whether or not to sit down on the steps of the church (considering there are threatening non-moroccans catcalling us nearby and we do not feel like getting gangraped tonight, plz, especially BEFORE getting the weed....), so we are awkwardly walking around the square when this guy on a bike comes up to us and is like weed? and we're like FUCK YEAH!!! and then elly all stealthily walks around a lamppost with him and then three minutes and 20 euro later comes back with a huge nugget and is like, man, it's hash and we're like man, that sucks but whatever CUZ WE'S GONNA GET HIGH TONIGHT!!!!! "what was his name" "fuck if i know, he's a fucking drug dealer", but it's chill because i guess we can have like 10 different deals because they're all moroccans and all charge the same price. so we're good and then it lasts two nights and the second night we watch degrassi and eat a lot of pesto so it was actually really incredible. WINNERSSSS!!! so i promised amy, my roommte, that we were going to smoke again because she was really super jealous and almost cried when she found out that i had smoked so we're going to do it out on the balcony, even if mama gianna's home, because we're pretty sure we can still totally get away with it.

4) you can't get away from the fray fucking anywhere. as if the stupid radio station back at home didn't play them enough, you escape how many thousands of miles away and they are still there. THANKS, GLOBALIZATION, BUT I ACTUALLY HATE THE FRAY. SO THANKS FOR NOT GIVING ME INTERNET AT MY HOST-MOTHER'S HOUSE, BUT PLEASE, FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO THE FRAY EVERY FUCKING DAY. and it's worse, because it's way more deceiving, because all the italians sing along and at first you think they speak english because they sound totally normal but no, they actually have no idea what the fuck you're saying and then you realize how great they are at mimicking things. like my mamma gianna's niece can sing rianna's umbrella PERFECTLY, and she sounds like a little star, except then she doesn't speak a WORD of english. it is quite upsetting. so moral of the story: too much american culture on the radio and i hate the fucking fray.


i think that's all for now, will reflect on flashing my tot's to all of pisa and other crazy stories next time, when hopefully i have actually done the reading for class and actually have legit time.

<3>

the cast of my life.

okay so let me give you a quick rundown of the various lovely people that i spend ample loads of time with:

elly: this creature is quite amazing. while the petite coach handbag and personal hand-sanitizer was quite deceiving at first, her love for degrassi abolished any further doubt towards her character (as well as her love for thizzle (norcal, alissa?) and farting). she is also a lovely chain-smoking companion, and sasses almost as well as alissa. ex:
elly: (calling down to the other end of the street) "okay, izzy, see you in the morning"
random drunk guy: i'll see YOU in the morning
elly: (snort) HAHA YOU WISH, FUCKER (snort)
she cackles like i do, which is a relief, and we're going to london, edinburgh, brussels and amsterdam together over fall break, so i best like her because imma be chained to her for at least two more months ;) no, but really, she's a delight.
(picture: elly and i doing the THIZZLE dance in front of Dante's tomb. clearly, that is a huge flavor of LOVE LOCK around my neck, obvs)

amy--amy is my roommate and we're really similar in that we're both pretty laid back, we fart and do stupid things together, and she's actually more directionally impaired than i am, if you can possibly imagine that. she loses things, too, just like i do, and we both have large feet and our mothers are crazy. she's really fabulous and i really respect her a lot, and i love how that we're not best friends and we don't feel obligated to hang with each other all the time but we still get along really well. she's a freaking delight, okay?

mamma gianna: MY HOST MOTHER!!!

enough said.








okay so then there's passport girl. who is freaking crazy. and everything is always an issue, as in she needed to go to the hospital for a mosquito bite. and she's super high-maintenance and i feel like i'm being suffocated when i talk to her. she's like one of those girls that freaks out when someone says that she's not being chill. oxymoron, anyone? more on her later, examples will follow.

kaley and lallie: roommates with whom morgan plays with quite a bit. they are both delightful and wonderful and lallie has a boyfriend named doug whom she talks about all the time which confuses morgan because she knows a quite different doug. kaley is best friends with morgan's old best friend from high school (meaning that she is morgan's replacement is chelsea presto's life). basically, they are both very good.

the sarahs--sarah butler and sarah codrado, also very delightful, morgan doesn't get to see them as much due to conflicting class schedules, but she loves them a lot and they are both wine-os like morgan and morgan hopes to play often.

pretty much every other girl here: in a sorority at santa clara, gettysburg, or syracuse university and it is a sad thing, because most of them are in delta gamma, in which they refer to themselves as the delta glamours. remember the devil wears prada? they're pretty much all clackers who wear a new pair of shoes every day to match all the clothes that they are buying (since daddy gave tem $10,000 just for shopping. not even kidding). anyways, it is very difficult to take many of them seriously, because morgan is definitely NOT a delta glamour and their definitions of classy differ quite a bit.

mitch hedberg--played by himself. morgan feels as if he is necessary to mention as a regular cast member to her time in italy, because she listens to him quite often. would you like some more homemade sprite? NOT TIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS IN IT!


okay so that's really all for right now.

oh yeah, and besides that MY LIFE IS SHIT CONSIDERING IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT KELLY CLARKSON IS AT BIG BRIDGES RIGHT NOW AND IS GOING ON TOUR IN THE FALL AND I WILL BE ABSENT FOR THIS OCCASION I PRETTY MUCH FUCKING HATE MY LIFE AND WHY THE FUCK DID I CHOOSE TO GO ABROAD AT THIS TIME MOTHERFUCKERS!??!?!?!?!! dolly parton best show up and go on tour in europe or else imma have a fucking breakdown.


PSS--this picture pretty much sums up my life so far in italy:


mkaythzbye

FIG YOU, YOGURT!!!

this morning morgan was tricked into eating fig yogurt. tricked, you may ask? why yes, she was indeed TRICKED. the container CLEARLY had blackberries drawn on it, and how figs would come to be drawn like blackberries is simply unclear to morgan. morgan though that the italians were good artists...renaissance, anyone? clearly she was wrong, seeing as how she ate fig yogurt instead of blackberry yogurt this morning.

reflections from a week in florence, via mama gianna's apartment.

yes, yes, morgan's host mother's name is gianna. gianna bini, to be exact, a retired art-history teacher. this old widow is a devout catholic who loves to drink, chain-smoke, and go out and hit the bar > go to church. she is absolutely delightful. actually, delightful doesn't even begin to cover it, really. within the first five minutes of morgan's arrival, she is offered an alcoholic beverage, a cigarette, and a lot of cheese. you think i am exaggerating? she is the EPITOME of italian mothering, complete with force feeding, an incredible vocabulary of curse words in EVERY language, and an air that says 'shut the hell up, not only do i do what i want, but YOU'LL do what i want'. she definitely wears the pants in any relationship...except maybe other italian mothers, in which morgan would like to see her duel, because morgan has the upmost confidence that mama gianna is the fiercest, most badass woman around, and she would cut a bitch faster than fitty. in fact, she'd probably cut fitty himself, but then feel such remorse that she would force-feed him an incredible 5-course meal. anyways. she has this gorgeous terrace that overlooks the arno river (across from which stands michelangelo's statue of david), filled with a TON of flowers and plants and best of all, wireless internet (HA!). it perpetually smells like gardenias, which as marilyn's favorite flower, reminds morgan of her mother. this is an interesting feeling for morgan, because while she feels sentiment towards her loving mother, she cannot forget the fact that every time she calls home, her mother says drying "what do you need now, hailey", and will actually argue on the phone for a while as to which daughter she is actually talking to. really, mom? really? this is sort of unsettling for morgan, because it suggests that marilyn should have a reason to wonder who she is actually talking to, which in turn suggests that either marilyn is crazy (which are most certainly NOT ruling out), or that hailey has called before, pretending to be morgan. now while that may seem paranoid, we turn to exhibit A in which hunter sent incriminating emails to morgan's mother around the time she went to mexico. why are the hargraves trio so fucked up? anyways, enough about that. tomorrow morgan is waking up early and mama gianna is taking morgan and her roommate to the countryside where she has a house next to bono. yes, bono. i am sure he keeps many of his sunglasses there. maybe morgan will steal a pair and live vicariously through them, walking around italy hanging out with AIDS victims and seeking world peace. in that case, morgan must be off to bed, for she (and bono) have a lot of work to do tomorrow. <3

BON VOYAGE!! (i know i'm going to italy, but i'm flying AIRFRANCE so the title is totally kosher, okay?)

(so PS, pretend this is from like, a week ago)

morgan's trip started off grandly, as she quickly found out that european airlines ride in class--all the way to serving wine with meals. so while one may wince at the disgusting airline food, at least he/she can dull the pain a little with a mini bottle of red or white wine of his/her choosing. well THAT'S convenient, considering morgan's affinity towards wine. the plane ride was MUCH better after her meal of bread and cheese. and something curry (how ethnic). man, AIRFRANCE really went all out on that one. anyways, morgan sits next to two people--one delightful one, and one not-so-delightful one. the not-so-delightful one is this french hippie woman (probably a fucking gypsie), who passive aggressively steals the armrest within the first 10 minutes of the flight and tells morgan to be quiet when she is trying to sleep (yeah, she says nothing to the crying baby, but yells at morgan. pfft bitch) whereas the delightful girl to morgan's left loves degrassi and offers morgan her should to sleep on. enough said? oh, and hunter (being hunter, and all) slips morgan many prescription drugs such as vicodin and ambient. nicely done hunter, especially with the wine. gee, i'd like to actually wake up and GET to florence, but thanks, really. nicely done. anyways, so the flights are good, morgan's layover is in france, so she and charles de gaul hang out for a while (not really, but she charges her computer such that she can watch more degrassi).