the gypsie that tried to steal my borsa

dude. so some bitch finally tried to mug me. i mean, i was kinda waiting for it to happen, considering i run around all the time by myself at night, it was really only a matter of time before the statistics caught up with me. anyways, i guess i kinda asked for it, since after dinner mamma gianna had made lasagna so obvi i had fasted all day and then eaten my weight in meaty deliciousness, so then i was laying on the bed afterwards feeling very pleased but ill, and i knew that i would never complete all the italian homework that i had for the next day (because it was all the way across the room, and fuck that shit if i was going to get up and do it in my condition--plus i had actually lost the story i had to read and do a report on...), so i prayed really hard that i could have some sort of excuse not to go to italian the next day....and then of course God answered my prayers by having someone mug me!!!
anyways, so basically i was walking to elly's to watch the new episode of grey's anatomy and this guy comes up behind me and tries to grab my borsa. and i'm just like, fuck no, not only is my computer in my bag, but it has the new episode of grey's on it that cost $1.99 (that's 20 minutes of work at whole foods, fyi) and took like 50 hours to download since the network is so shitty at SUF. so basically i would rather risk getting shanked than for you to take my fucking hot-shit bag and computer/only connection to the rest of the world. so basically after i don't let go, he pushes me against the wall and i risk physical damage to my face (i am going to ireland this weekend and i need to be looking hot as shit for those gorgeous irish boys), i'm pretty much pissed as shit so i elbow him in the nose/break his nose and groin the bitch, so hopefully he will no longer be able to have children. baby-muggers, obvi, i was doing the world a favor. and then he comes back to get my purse YET AGAIN, except i was yelling at that point (i couldn't remember the italian word for help, so i basically just downed like a dying creature of some sort) and someone came around the corner with his dog and then the guy ran off. fairly lucky, i would think, because i wasn't shanked when in all reality, i probably should've been. plus i owned the bitch. i hope i broke his nose so badly, shards of it pierce his brain and he dies. slightly graphic, i apologize, but really, what a little bitch. the best part, however, was after telling mamma medi (elly's mamma) what had happened:

mamma medi: was he black?
me: no, he was white
mamma: not white, he was romanian.
me: what?
mamma: gypsies. gypsies are from romania.

now i do realize that all of italy's problems lay on the shoulders of the gypsies (and communists), since every time anything wrong happens in the world, mamma gianna always blames it on the communists or gyspies (she even called the monks in burma gypsies that were causing problems....). yet i actually laughed out loud when i saw how absolutely serious mamma medi was when she assuredly told me that it was the gypsies that had tried to steal my bag. elly's pappa, however, cheers every time i walk into the room, since i'm such a fucking champion, and all. obvi.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
1) when in doubt, just break someone's nose. that shit hurts, AND leaves dna (blood) and makes them look like babies when their eyes water up and they cry
2) if someone tries to steal your stuff, it was probably a gypsie.

mike's birthday party freshman year, part duex

okay so glad we started this out appropriately. that's my ass. that nice, white, bruised, ass. but there is a good story behind it (ha ha ha, behind, get it?? hahahhaha).

so i went to prague this past weekend and it was pretty much had the time of my life, dancing with sketch foreigners in five-story clubs, seeing the incredible charles bridge, prague castle, the jewish cemetery, blah blah blah blah blah. because let's be honest, the highlight of my weekend (and everyone else that was a witness) had nothing to do with prague, rather my own stupidity that could've graced everyone in any part of the world. so saturday was the anniversary of 'kristalnacht'--you know, the 'night of broken glass', the first real violence against the jews in which nazi supporters destroyed a bunch of homes, synagogues, and jewish businesses. anyways, seeing as it has one of the largest jewish quarters in all of europe (and the oldest synagogue in all of europe, and largest jewish cemetery--so basically the jews are kinda a big deal here), prague celebrated this night of hatred with...wait for it...you guessed it--hella neo-nazi marches and anti-jewish protesters. now i realize that joking about such hatred is in incredibly poor taste (let's leave it to the social justice studies major to preface any story with a comment like this), but in light of the delight that is about to follow, any seriousness at this time would probably be really worthless and kill the story. so just wait for it, and then later i'll rant about how much intolerance sucks, etc. okay so. basically this night is important because as neo-nazis are marching around the city, it's kinda advised that tourists don't really go out, such that they won't be caught up in any of the bashing-in-of-heads and stuff like that. and as important as this is, it was still our last night in prague, and we wanted to party hella, obvi, even though we did not want to end the night in the hospital or morgue. so instead of making the decision at the hostel, we decided to go out to a really nice dinner and discuss it over wine. i mean, it was basically classy pre-gaming, and we all know classy is how i roll. so 4+ glasses in (good joke since i get wasted after 2 glasses), i decide that i'm really 'not that drunk, guys!!!' and am really upset over the fact that my tolerance has increased what seems to be exponentially. although again, since i was 4+ in, i had basically gotten so raging drunk that i was pissed that i wasn't drunk enough. so then i had to pee but the bathroom was upstairs so obvi i went upstairs to go and then as i was coming back down....okay so wait so the stairs were a spiral staircase and i was walking on the very inside narrow part in order to accommodate the other bitches i was with, and then well basically as i was coming down it was actually a flashback to mike's birthday party freshman year. minus the nosebleed and short skirt. but okay so i basically bounced down three stairs and when i fell it fucking HURT and i tried to grab the banister to break the fall except i ended up just hitting it really hard with my elbow, making for double noise (and a double bruise). so then i look around the corner after yelping only to realize that EVERYONE and their mother in the restaurant is STARING at me with open mouthes because it sounded like someone had just dropped a bomb on beruit...or for the sake of the evening/place, israel. and then after someone sitting at a table ACTUALLY POINTS at me while staring, lally turns to me and is all, "i'm so embarassed for you." oh, thanks lally, because i couldn't figure it out...except it probably seemed like i couldn't because i'm laughing so hard because it was so funny and my ass hurt SO FUCKING BAD and i was really drunk so obvi i didn't know what to do and then i was like fuck it, let's just go out, so we did. and we went out to this horrendousLY AWESOME club and got a private car home because we made friends with the bouncers and they said that if they couldn't sleep with us, at least they wanted to make sure no one else did, including the taxi-drivers (and neo-nazis).

okay so this is where it gets good. a little graphic, but it's kinda worth it. okay so i get my period the same night, as i'm fucking wasted, so naturally i didn't think it was my period, and that i was actually bleeding internally. like, seriously. i thought i was dying and that my tailbone had pierced some important internal organ (i'm not sure which one, i was too drunk to remember their names) and that i would bleed out somewhere on the street in the czech republic and not be able to go to the hospital because the czech republic isn't in the EU so obvi they are barbarians and don't even HAVE hospitals much less the means to fix a bleeding ass, and even if they DID have them, i wouldn't want to end up with them doing something else with my ass instead of stitching it up, you see. naturally, i was terrified, and such were the only logical consequences of falling down the stairs. NO ONE could talk me out of the fact that i thought i was dying, because the thing is, since being on birth control, my period has been fucking CLOCKWORK and i wasn't supposed to get it for like 3 more weeks. thus i was TRULY CONVINCED that i was going to die, since i was bleeding everywhere and the non-legit-EU-wannabies didn't have the means (or the conscience, since they're heathens) to take care of me. but then when i woke up the next morning, i realized that since i hadn't taken by birth control for 4 days (i left it in florence) it had fucked up my hormones and that's why i had my PERIOD rather than internal bleeding. okay so that's that.

so i guess the moral(s) of the story are as follows:
1) if you have a giant bruise on your ass, dont assume the worst; you may have fallen down a very public spiral staircase
2) if you fall down the stairs and subsequently start bleeding out your vag, you may actually NOT be dying. but still check that shit, because those tailbones are pointy and can puncture shit